I'm happy to say that I've never had to experience the heartache of divorce or separation or anything like that between my parents. I had a particularly normal childhood, born and raised in Chicago before moving to Omaha the summer before I started 1st grade. My mom was a single mother who always put her child's needs before her own, and I was her only child, which also meant that we grew up to become best friends. It wasn't until I had started elementary school that I remember asking questions about my dad. My mom never held anything back, always answering every question I had. Even when the answer was tough for my little ears to hear, I always appreciated her honesty. I supose her openness about the situation is one of the reasons that I'm so open about it.
My dad lives in London, England, which is also the city where my mom and him met. My mom was always planning on returning to the states, so when I was conceived, it was understandable that neither one of them felt they could just pick up and move halfway across the world. My mom was left the task of raising me, and in order to eliminate the heartbreak of my dad and I only being able to see each other every so often, he requested that there be no contact until I was at least 18 years old. I remember when I was about 12 or so, I decided that I wanted to meet him. I started writing a series of letters that I was planning to mail to him. That's the day my mom told me I had to wait until I was 18. I remember being so upset that I ran to my room crying and tore up every letter that I had written him (I was just entering my teen years, so I was of course very dramatic about everything). Looking back, I can't even remember what was written in those letters.
Last summer I finally turned 18, but I think I still wasn't ready to face the reality of my situation. I knew it would be a long process; it had been almost 20 years since my family had any contact with him and we didn't even know where to start looking. Around December of 2012, my mom and I finally got to work. After a lot of searching through old date books, we found an address that we believed to be his, and wrote a letter explaining a short summary of my life and that I wished to meet him in the summer of 2013. We waited weeks for a reply, but never got one. Naturally I was discouraged, but this wasn't something I could just give up hope on. After doing some research on google, we found a company that we believed he was the owner of. I called the company a couple of times with no success (they don't have answering machines, and I kept forgetting there was a time difference. I know, I'm really smart).
A couple weeks later I decided to try again. I remember this day very clearly: My marketing class walked to a nearby gas station that morning, giving me lots of time to think about things. I guess I was feeling unusually spontaneous that day, because I decided to call again. I called right there on the side of Pacific street! After one ring, a lady answered the phone, talking in the heaviest british accent I had ever heard. I hung up immediately.
You know that one thing that you've always dreamed of doing, but it was so out of this world that the odds of it actually happening were about 1/100? Now imagine how you would feel if that dream actually came true. No matter how in detail you imagine something like that, it's always just in your head. The fact that I had just taken a huge step in contacting my dad was the scariest thought I have ever had. I guess just the thought of my dream coming true was more than enough to freak me out and cause me to hang up the phone that day.
I didn't have a class during 2nd hour, so I gathered up some courage and called again. My hands were shaking so bad and my heart was about to explode. The same lady answered again and I asked to please speak with Neil Baker. She informed me that he was in Paris on business, but she could take my name and number and leave a message for him. During 4th hour I got a call from the lady, asking for my e-mail address because he wanted to e-mail me. By this time I was so nervous and exited and shaky that I had to leave class and go sit in my car. Keep in mind that I had never told this lady exactly who I was, so the fact that he wanted to e-mail me, I thought he must have recognized the last name and knew exactly who I was. Less than 10 minutes later I got an e-mail that read:
Hi Cahner
This is Neil Baker, sorry I missed your call earlier, I'm in France right now
How may I help you?
That's it? He just thinks it's another business call? I couldn't believe that he didn't realize right away who I was, so I sent him an e-mail back simply saying that I was his daughter and I wished to meet him. There was much more to the e-mail then just that, but that's pretty much a summary. After a couple standard "break-the-ice" e-mails, it was clear that I had found the right guy. He remembered my mom completely and even confessed that he thought about me a lot and often wondered if we were doing okay. There was always something that seemed to be off, however. I had told him all about my life in America and things I had done growing up, but he never seemed willing to reveal anything about himself and his life. After a few months of e-mailing back and forth, he finally told me everything I'd been wondering about. He is currently married to his wife of 15 years. They also have an 11 year old daughter named Abbie. I think this was the news that hit me the hardest. I had always been at terms with the fact that I didn't grow up with my dad in my life, but now knowing that he had given up a relationship with me only to have another daughter and be a father to her, I didn't know how I felt about things anymore. There was a while where both of our emotions were numb. Ill even admit that there were many times where I questioned if I had made the right decision in contacting him.
Lot's of people have told me that the whole situation is like something out of a movie. In July of this summer, I will be traveling to London for two weeks to meet him for the first time. His daughter currently has no idea that I exists, and from what I understand, they have no intention to tell her anytime soon. I honestly have no idea how the trip is going to go. There are movies where the father wants nothing to do with the daughter, leaving her heartbroken. Or there is the possibility that God pulls a total "What A Girl Wants" on my life and my dad turns out to be royalty or something like that (jk).
No matter what happens I won't ever be sorry that I contacted him. I like to think that it's always better to experience the pain of reality then to spend your whole life wondering. I hope that the trip will be just the beginning of a long lasting relationship. I know that we may never be able to have the father daughter bond that him and Abbie have, but no matter what happens, it will always be enough that he was willing to meet me and fulfill the dream that I managed to think up as a little 10 year old girl. I know you wont be reading this, but I have to say it just because I can. Happy Father's Day dad, and I hope you have the best day ever!
Thy Fere,
Your Friend,
Cahner
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